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Probed: The Story of an Abductee recounts the hilariously awkward stories of an un-named alien abductee through his audio journals. Each week a new tale is told in these short, yet strange podcasts.
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Hi Harold,
How are you feeling? A little embarrassed? Don’t worry, we all get things wrong from time to time, not always on the enormous scale that you do, but we all have our little boo boo’s.
Oh, but the grand scale of your boo boo is memorable!
I must, however, congratulate you on your marketing skills. It takes a true marketing genius to get the word out to the entire world the way you did, so give yourself a pat on the back for that!
Alas, that seems to be where the genius stops and the incredible train ride in to a mountain of rubbery hallucinations begins.
I can understand the want for the world to end. In fact, I’m pretty sure that almost everyone on Earth has wanted that at some point in time. However, most people won’t try to convince others that the world is going to end. But I believe Chris Jericho said it best when he tweeted:
I know people misinterpreted your message. People thought it was the end of the world, when in fact what you were talking about was the Rapture, and of course the second coming of Jesus.
Now, the Rapture is an interesting concept, Harold. For the term Rapture has only been used since the late 19th century, and never actually appears in the Bible. Now, it may just be me, but if you read these bible verses and can find out where it mentions a Rapture like event, then I think you must have a pretty damn good imagination and should probably think about becoming a screenwriter, or, at the very least, a comic book writer.
But, to humour you, let’s say that those passages to refer to a Rapture (which is about as likely as me having a 3-way with Keira Knightley and Christina Ricci), and let’s look at another Bible passage. Most of those other Bible verses were discussing either the return of Jesus, or Heaven itself, but this one deals directly with the return.
“No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” Mathew 13:32
Hmm… so if the Bible says that no one will know the day or hour, not even Jesus himself, then how could you possibly know? I feel sorry for Jesus though when that day comes. One second he’ll be having a game of pool with the disciples, trying to impress some of the fly young angels with a trick shot, and the next he’s on Earth having to deal with people sucking up to him, and kissing his ass.
Alas, this isn’t the first time you’ve been wrong with the date of the Rapture. In fact, in 1994 you also predicted Judgement day. I’ll admit that the 1994 Rapture scared the living shit out of me, although I was only 12 and impressionable. That was a simple miscalculation, anyone can make that mistake, so what was this one?
Like a fat kid waiting for an ice cream cake that never arrives, I’ll be waiting for your next doom and gloom prediction. Even if it takes another 17 years, I’ll be waiting, albeit impatiently and with bated breath.
Seeing as though I haven’t posted much this week, and there has been no open letter, I thought I’d bring you a list of some of my favourite videos from YouTube.
Some of these may not be suitable for younger ears, so if there are kiddies in the room tell them to search for lollipop fairies under their beds.
Whose Line Is It Anyway? has always been one of my favourite TV shows. It’s the one show that never failed to deliver laughs, and it’s still as funny now as it was when it was on TV. So here is a YouTube video with 5 of the funniest moments. I wouldn’t say the funniest, but they don’t disappoint.
I absolutely love the Epic Rap Battles of History series, so it was hard to just pick one for this list, but I had to pick this just for the way they have Bieber saying ‘Anywahay’! Check out the rest of the series by Nice Peter. His photo songs are classics as well.
Jon Lajoie is a comedic genius. The way he writes his songs, the delivery, his characters… it all fits in perfectly. This is the song that first introduce me to Jon. It’s a shame he’s not coming to the Gold Coast on his Australian tour.
Apart from being members of one of my favourite bands, Borknagar, Dave and Jens can be both hilarious and educational. Especially when it comes to how vikings used to groom themselves.
I also suggest you visit the Artisan blog, which features more hilarity and Borknagar/Artisan news.
Tim Minchin writes funny songs. Nuff said.
Steve Hughes used to be a metal drummer from Sydney. I still have the Nazxul album “Totem” that he played on. He has since gone in to the world of stand up comedy, and he’s freakin’ hilarious.
Here he offers a different view on gay men and homophobia.
Dear Conspiracy Theorists,
How are things? I’ve noticed that you’ve been busy, what with all the exciting things happening in the world, how could you not be?
Oh, how your minds must be like a tornado swirling with the idea of possibilities that we haven’t been told about. Did Osama Bin Laden really shit himself when he was shot? Did Prince William and Kate Middleton transform in to giant lizards as they consummated their marriage? And who is really in control? Donald Trump, or his hair piece?
I agree, these are all very important questions that need to be answered. But they are no more important than my need to exfoliate my skin with the beards of a thousand midgets.
I was once one of you, always searching for the hidden truths behind what we were being told. Usually, I found them behind the couch with the TV remote, but still I searched, and before long it consumed my every thought. The Government never tells the truth, we are being lied to about major world events, the Queen is a lizard, aliens are secretly pulling the strings of world leaders, Justin Bieber produces soulful music. Some of these may indeed be true, but others are complete rubbish. Do you seriously expect people to believe that Justin Bieber produces music that is from the heart? Please… don’t insult me. I am all for the theory that he is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but don’t try and feed me crap about his music.
You may think I’m just rambling here, Mr or Ms Theorist, but there is a point to my brain farts, and I will get to that point in a second. But first, let me bring your attention to a specific thread on the conspiracy forum Above Top Secret entitled “Prince William and Kate Middleton Bloody Birth into the Illuminati”. I’m all for looking for hidden meanings, but there is finding hidden meanings, and then there is clutching at straws. I’m still uncertain as to whether the creator of that thread is trolling, but there in lies the problem. Some of the theories you guys come up with are so far fetched that it would be more believable for me to tell people that Keira Knightley wanted to take a ride on my man chicken while I had lunch with Sienna Miller.
What I’m saying, Conspiracy, is that sometimes you need to take a breather, maybe go outside and get some air, or perhaps meet up with another human. There’s being cautious, then there’s being overly paranoid.
Now, before you get all up in my grills about being a disinformation homey, let me touch on that for a bit. You believe in a world where information and ideas are freely interchangeable with everyone, where ideas and truths are swapped freely like wives at a swingers party, yet when someone disagrees, or offers evidence against your theories, they are instantly labelled as ignorant, or worse, as disinfo agents. Well, I’m not a disinfo agent. I’m someone who has an opinion, and I will make up my own mind about certain topics and theories, and a lot of the time I may not agree with you. Grow up and deal with that. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Just because you are not a “sheeple” doesn’t necessarily mean that your opinion is greater than another persons.
Believe me, Mr or Ms Theorist, I could continue for hours on this. So, I’ll leave saying this.
Chill out! Stop being so paranoid… not everyone is out to get you, but if they are, run! Run far, far away! And don’t stop until you reach the end of the earth, and while you are there, can you tell me if the Earth is round or flat?
Dear Donald Trump’s Hair Piece,
I have a huge favour to ask of you. Please control your man. He is getting out of control, and frankly, I fear not only for the safety of the United States, but of the world. Mr Trump is already powerful enough without the extra power of becoming the President… Oh, but I know the truth, Hair Piece. Mr Trump isn’t the only one who can uncover a conspiracy.
All the pieces began to fall in to place a while go. See, I haven’t seen a picture of a successful Donald Trump with out you. Everywhere he goes, so do you. Coincidence? I think not.
It’s not Donald that is wanting to become President. Oh, no, it’s you, Hair Piece. That’s right, I have just revealed your true intentions. BAM!
I know you must be feeling pretty down right now, and I’ve probably just made you feel worse. That was not my intention, Hair Piece. True, Obama did give you quite the roasting at the Whitehouse Dinner (see video below), and, sure, your pride took a hit when he released his long form birth certificate, but I know that you will recover. Someone like you doesn’t stay down, you get back on the horse.
Please, when you do get back on the horse, pull yourself from running for the Presidency. Make another reality show, build another casino, or write a book on conspiracy theories. Do anything else except run for the Presidency.
However, if you do choose to run for the Presidency, Mr Hair Piece, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask for your long form birth certificate. Rumour has it that you were actually made in China, not the United States, which means you can not run for the Presidency. So, it’s your choice, Hair Piece, either don’t run, or I’ll be forced to ask for your birth certificate.
Update:
YouTube has disabled embedding of the video. Click here to view it on YouTube.
